Listening Practice

Lately, I have been leading my life more organically. It feels so much better.

For a long time, decades, I fought myself, in a way. I thought I had to adapt to systems and hierarchies that always felt like trying to wear narrow shoes. I thought that to succeed, this was necessary. I chose my path, took hold of the wheel, and wound my way through to targeted destinations.

I did achieve many things, as I eventually learned to use the system to my advantage. As I matured, I realized that I could adapt to the structure to a certain extent, but still keep some room for myself. I didn’t disappear completely.

I started peeling off layers. At 46, I took a job I could do my way, in an alternative school. I was hired as a second language teacher.  I taught French as a second language. I fulfilled the demands of my contract; but I also guided my students into learning another language, the one that came from within. I respected the assigned curriculum, but I delivered it in ways that would be difficult to implement in a class of 32 (the number of teenagers considered acceptable in mainstream classes. In my class, they could manifest their earning in ways that tapped into their strengths, so that many different roads could lead to success. They learned to value their strengths, and to develop a better connection to themselves.

Working with students who couldn’t function in the mainstream education system showed me that learning to adapt with a dose of self-respect was a skill that needed to be taught.

I eventually moved on to another challenge, this time to a role I got to invent for myself. As the guide building bridges into education for skilled tradespeople, I became a teacher of teachers and a mentor. This new position helped me grow confidence in my own gifts. I was guide who could only lead by listening.

Everybody who teaches a second language knows that listening is the most difficult of the language skills for new learners. Truth be told: listening is difficult for everyone.

I learned to listen to myself while working within a system that had its own rules. I still had to conform to a point, but by choosing unconventional settings, I made room for myself. I still made tenure, got a pension, and a steady pay check defined by clear guidelines, but there, in a small corner of the school system, I could be the kind of teacher I really am.

Despite my willingness to adapt, with time and age, I became less willing to fit myself into tight shoes, tight clothes, or into the shape of a life that didn’t allow me to be all of who I am.

Like the wanderer following a winding road around yet another bend, there seemed to be an endless number of hills and valleys, with no end in sight.

Could I just be where I was?

They say you teach so you can learn. I did. Helping my students and mentees find a way through helped me find my way. I taught them to listen, and l started listening to my own voice.

I picked up my pen and my brushes, and slowly, I learned how to listen. Creative work, it turns out, can’t really happen any other way.

Now, at a 68, I am loosening my grip on that wheel. Listening to everything, I am learning that even my voice is the sound of the universe feeding me what I need to share, through the filter of my experience.